My Favorite Things About Turkey: A Mixture of Words & Non-Words

With our voyage to Turkey complete, and one last blog left to summarize the events of our 2 weeks spent overseas, I decided it would be best to follow suit from previous blogs, and provide a "best of" Turkey post. Unfortunately, as a fairly considerable amount of time has begun to pass since our arrival back home in the US, I can only promise a fairly half-assed blog, as my creativity has been slowly sucked away by my return to work (staring at excel spreadsheets has less of an inspiring effect than staring at Turkey). Nevertheless, I now present you a mixture of words & photos detailing my favorite things about Turkey:

Food - Despite a first disappointing meal in Istanbul (lack of flavor + crazy old homeless man coughing on your meal = no bueno), every subsequent dining experience was a culinary adventure in deliciousness (yeah, that's right food critics, eat that sentence up for lunch). From never-ending free hotel breakfast buffets (I enjoyed the cheese/cucumber/tomato/nutella rolls the best) to endless combinations of kepabs, the cuisine was a welcome additive to the amazing scenery and sights of Turkey.

"Yes Please" - The ultimate phrase used by any local with the ability to articulate two words of English, "Yes Please" can signify almost any meaning attempting to be conveyed by the speaker. Some common examples: Follow me, please sign here, would you like to enter my local dining establishment, here is your food, please flip over so I may awkwardly massage your inner-thigh. Not a day passed without encountering some variation in the translation of "yes please," thus making it one of the most useful phrases in all of Turkey.

Everything Else - Comprising quite a good deal of "things" as well as "stuff", everything else was definitely one of the more amazing aspects of our trip. From things and stuff to other things and other stuff, I don't think we will ever forget how great "everything else" really was.

And now with that half-assness complete, onto the "non-words":

	Amphitheaters - A unique combination of seats, steps & stage, who wouldn't want to visit at least a dozen of these badboys?
	"Enjoyment Areas" - Damn enjoyable if you ask me
	Turquoise Water - God definitely chose well from his crayola set for this part of the world
	Phallic-Shaped Objects - I'm not sure what caused my obsession, although I'm sure Freud would have a word or two to say about it
	Baklava - A-maze-ing
	Turkish Delight - Nothing sells better than a tasty treat with ED-curing capabilities
	Foreign Translations - Always hilarious
	Sun Milk - Just like sun tan lotion, yet way more calcium
	Wanna-Be Home Depot - I wonder if it is impossible to ever find someone here to help you as well?
	Stray Animals - Quite adorable, a little bit less touchable
	Male "Friendliness" - Not sure if this would catch on in the US
	Airplane Safety - Always remembering to loosen your tie and collar in case of an emergency
	Fez - Why the fez not?

And that folks, is that. Until next time.

Learn Me Something Something About Turkish Hamams

Originated in Greek/Roman culture, a Turkish Hamam (i.e. bath) is a must-do for any traveler to the nation of Turkey. Offered on every block of every city throughout the country (a slight hint to popularity), a Hamam is a great opportunity to relax your muscles after a weary day of sight-seeing (and by relax, I mean approach the barriers of heat exhaustion while a young Turk fondles your body).

Expecting this "bath" to resemble more of a "bath," (I know, crazy notion), our Hamam experience was definitely an eye-opener as to what ancient civilizations considered a "cleansing process." Closely resembling the experience of a sauna (I can only assume, as I am not a fan of submitting myself to prolonged periods of discomfort), a Hamam apparently utilizes the more "religious" notion of cleansing yourself from the inside out (cleansing = testing your bodies limit of sweat production). Add to that a sud-filled massage of every inch of your body, and you have yourself quite the early evening activity. Without further ado, I present you with the officially unofficial guide to the Turkish Hamam:

1. Select a Hamam - A very difficult and cumbersome process, the selection of a local Hamam involves much research, a well-stocked wallet and of course a nationality that is anything but that of an American (our Hamam's website automatically declined reservations made by US citizens... bastards!).

2. Changing Room - Upon arriving to the Hamam, you are escorted to a private changing room in which bathers strip down to their "birthday suits" and then wrap themselves in Turkish towels. Wooden clogs are also provided as to complete the ultimate fashion statement.

3. Entry Room - After a brief overview of the following 90 minutes, bathers are clearly provided with two pre-Hamam options: "Pee Pee" or "Kaka" (noting that "Kaka cost extra"). Julie and I both opted for el numero uno (just in case your curiosity was burning to know).

4. Hot Room - At a searing "too hot to be comfortable" temperature, the hot room, or Caldarium, provides bathers the opportunity to lay on a large marble slab, while the heat takes them into a mild state of hysteria. Once this point is reached, several cold water faucets are available throughout the Hamam, offering "mini cold water baths" in which bathers can splash themselves back to sanity. This occurs on an occasional basis during the first 30 minutes of the Hamam, and then almost in successive repetition during the final agonizing 15. As a note, do NOT walk barefoot to these faucets without your clogs, as you will experience what is like to have your feet heated to approximately 150 degrees.

5. Massage - The "fun" part of the Hamam, a full-body massage is provided as who doesn't enjoy having their entire body "probed and prodded" when it is already overheating? Thankfully for us, our masseuses were two young Turkish boys, who possessed what I can only describe as "wandering fingers." As I gritted my teeth everytime the "inner thigh" was targeted (Do not ask me why I thought of an episode of Friends during this experience), Julie seemed to have issues with her "side boob" being the destination of choice.

6. Refreshment Time - With the Hamam finally complete, the entrepreneurial aspect of the experience comes into play, with bathers now forced to sit down in the "Drying Room" and enjoy overly-priced beverages as to help quench what-is-now an insatiable thirst. I will be honest though, a $5 can of Fanta has never tasted so good. Why yes we did!

7. Changing Room - Now, the experienced bather will probably come prepared with a clean set of clothes, as to take advantage of the cleansing in which they just partook. However, those new to the process most likely are dressed in clothes in which they have been traveling the past 15 hours, and of course, negate the entire process. Smart smart smart smart smart.

And that my friends is your officially unofficial guide to the Turkish Hamam.

Onto the pics (several "borrowed" as cameras do not hold up very well in 150 degree steamy rooms):

	Suleymaniye Hamam - Hating American tourists since 1557
	The "Hot Room" - Testing the bodies ability to produce copious amounts of sweat
	The "Mini Baths" - Cold-water refreshment at its finest
	The soap-filled, wandering-finger-inspired massage portion of the Hamam
	Feeling refreshed, slightly violated, and ready to put back on my 2-day old in-desperate-need-of-a-wash travel apparel