My Favorite Things About Turkey: A Mixture of Words & Non-Words

With our voyage to Turkey complete, and one last blog left to summarize the events of our 2 weeks spent overseas, I decided it would be best to follow suit from previous blogs, and provide a "best of" Turkey post. Unfortunately, as a fairly considerable amount of time has begun to pass since our arrival back home in the US, I can only promise a fairly half-assed blog, as my creativity has been slowly sucked away by my return to work (staring at excel spreadsheets has less of an inspiring effect than staring at Turkey). Nevertheless, I now present you a mixture of words & photos detailing my favorite things about Turkey:

Food - Despite a first disappointing meal in Istanbul (lack of flavor + crazy old homeless man coughing on your meal = no bueno), every subsequent dining experience was a culinary adventure in deliciousness (yeah, that's right food critics, eat that sentence up for lunch). From never-ending free hotel breakfast buffets (I enjoyed the cheese/cucumber/tomato/nutella rolls the best) to endless combinations of kepabs, the cuisine was a welcome additive to the amazing scenery and sights of Turkey.

"Yes Please" - The ultimate phrase used by any local with the ability to articulate two words of English, "Yes Please" can signify almost any meaning attempting to be conveyed by the speaker. Some common examples: Follow me, please sign here, would you like to enter my local dining establishment, here is your food, please flip over so I may awkwardly massage your inner-thigh. Not a day passed without encountering some variation in the translation of "yes please," thus making it one of the most useful phrases in all of Turkey.

Everything Else - Comprising quite a good deal of "things" as well as "stuff", everything else was definitely one of the more amazing aspects of our trip. From things and stuff to other things and other stuff, I don't think we will ever forget how great "everything else" really was.

And now with that half-assness complete, onto the "non-words":

	Amphitheaters - A unique combination of seats, steps & stage, who wouldn't want to visit at least a dozen of these badboys?
	"Enjoyment Areas" - Damn enjoyable if you ask me
	Turquoise Water - God definitely chose well from his crayola set for this part of the world
	Phallic-Shaped Objects - I'm not sure what caused my obsession, although I'm sure Freud would have a word or two to say about it
	Baklava - A-maze-ing
	Turkish Delight - Nothing sells better than a tasty treat with ED-curing capabilities
	Foreign Translations - Always hilarious
	Sun Milk - Just like sun tan lotion, yet way more calcium
	Wanna-Be Home Depot - I wonder if it is impossible to ever find someone here to help you as well?
	Stray Animals - Quite adorable, a little bit less touchable
	Male "Friendliness" - Not sure if this would catch on in the US
	Airplane Safety - Always remembering to loosen your tie and collar in case of an emergency
	Fez - Why the fez not?

And that folks, is that. Until next time.

Learn Me Something Something About Turkish Hamams

Originated in Greek/Roman culture, a Turkish Hamam (i.e. bath) is a must-do for any traveler to the nation of Turkey. Offered on every block of every city throughout the country (a slight hint to popularity), a Hamam is a great opportunity to relax your muscles after a weary day of sight-seeing (and by relax, I mean approach the barriers of heat exhaustion while a young Turk fondles your body).

Expecting this "bath" to resemble more of a "bath," (I know, crazy notion), our Hamam experience was definitely an eye-opener as to what ancient civilizations considered a "cleansing process." Closely resembling the experience of a sauna (I can only assume, as I am not a fan of submitting myself to prolonged periods of discomfort), a Hamam apparently utilizes the more "religious" notion of cleansing yourself from the inside out (cleansing = testing your bodies limit of sweat production). Add to that a sud-filled massage of every inch of your body, and you have yourself quite the early evening activity. Without further ado, I present you with the officially unofficial guide to the Turkish Hamam:

1. Select a Hamam - A very difficult and cumbersome process, the selection of a local Hamam involves much research, a well-stocked wallet and of course a nationality that is anything but that of an American (our Hamam's website automatically declined reservations made by US citizens... bastards!).

2. Changing Room - Upon arriving to the Hamam, you are escorted to a private changing room in which bathers strip down to their "birthday suits" and then wrap themselves in Turkish towels. Wooden clogs are also provided as to complete the ultimate fashion statement.

3. Entry Room - After a brief overview of the following 90 minutes, bathers are clearly provided with two pre-Hamam options: "Pee Pee" or "Kaka" (noting that "Kaka cost extra"). Julie and I both opted for el numero uno (just in case your curiosity was burning to know).

4. Hot Room - At a searing "too hot to be comfortable" temperature, the hot room, or Caldarium, provides bathers the opportunity to lay on a large marble slab, while the heat takes them into a mild state of hysteria. Once this point is reached, several cold water faucets are available throughout the Hamam, offering "mini cold water baths" in which bathers can splash themselves back to sanity. This occurs on an occasional basis during the first 30 minutes of the Hamam, and then almost in successive repetition during the final agonizing 15. As a note, do NOT walk barefoot to these faucets without your clogs, as you will experience what is like to have your feet heated to approximately 150 degrees.

5. Massage - The "fun" part of the Hamam, a full-body massage is provided as who doesn't enjoy having their entire body "probed and prodded" when it is already overheating? Thankfully for us, our masseuses were two young Turkish boys, who possessed what I can only describe as "wandering fingers." As I gritted my teeth everytime the "inner thigh" was targeted (Do not ask me why I thought of an episode of Friends during this experience), Julie seemed to have issues with her "side boob" being the destination of choice.

6. Refreshment Time - With the Hamam finally complete, the entrepreneurial aspect of the experience comes into play, with bathers now forced to sit down in the "Drying Room" and enjoy overly-priced beverages as to help quench what-is-now an insatiable thirst. I will be honest though, a $5 can of Fanta has never tasted so good. Why yes we did!

7. Changing Room - Now, the experienced bather will probably come prepared with a clean set of clothes, as to take advantage of the cleansing in which they just partook. However, those new to the process most likely are dressed in clothes in which they have been traveling the past 15 hours, and of course, negate the entire process. Smart smart smart smart smart.

And that my friends is your officially unofficial guide to the Turkish Hamam.

Onto the pics (several "borrowed" as cameras do not hold up very well in 150 degree steamy rooms):

	Suleymaniye Hamam - Hating American tourists since 1557
	The "Hot Room" - Testing the bodies ability to produce copious amounts of sweat
	The "Mini Baths" - Cold-water refreshment at its finest
	The soap-filled, wandering-finger-inspired massage portion of the Hamam
	Feeling refreshed, slightly violated, and ready to put back on my 2-day old in-desperate-need-of-a-wash travel apparel

The Final Days: The Checklist Must Be Completed

With our departure from Turkey slowly approaching, and our love of doner kebab's slowly fading, we embarked on the final few days of our voyage, hoping to check off the last outstanding items on our carefully-planned, yet probably overly-intensive itinerary (I tend to go a tad crazy during the "planning" phase of our trips):

1. Sleep in a treehouse (an obvious to-do for travels in an area prone to tree habitation)

2. Swim in a thermal pool of calcium carbonate (another obvious to-do for those who are strong proponents of CaCO3 bathing).

3. Visit the famous Greek/Roman city of Ephesus - The supposed final resting place of "the dudes" infamous mother. No jokes here. As the lord and savior of my future wife, and a once-proud-member of "the tribe" (until a disappointing "defection"), I would never joke about JC like that.

With 2 of the 3 items on our checklist boasting a "strong to very strong" tourism factor, we relished in the solitude enjoyed during our brief 18 hour "detour" to the first destination - Saklikent Gorge. Home to the longest gorge in all of Turkey (quite impressive until realizing it is really the only gorge in all of Turkey), Saklikent is almost unmentioned in any guidebook, and thus, is almost unheard of by anyone outside of the Turkish nation (aside from yours truly who has mastered the art of "internetting"). This "hidden gem" if you will, provided us with a great hike along the canyon floor, a post-hike fish-foot massage, and of course the intended highlight of the visit - an overnight stay in a treehouse. Despite lacking A/C or ensuite facilities to Julie's dismay (who would've known!?), our small tree-based abode did boast a very fruitful population of mosquitoes, who allowed us to enjoy the treehouse for an additional 8-9 sleepless hours. Generous little buggers!

Our next destination in the "checklist checkoff marathon" took us to Pamukkale - home to the ruins of Hierapolis, and the more well-known "cotton castle." Featured in many "do this before you die or else your life was pointless" type books, Pamukkale is a unique geological feature, boasting dozens of cascading natural hot springs, created from calcium carbonate run-off (everyone's favorite mineral deposit!). As the past home to baths of Roman emperors, Pamukkale is now home to what can only be described as "cluster-f*ck-central" (pardon my Turkish). Imagine Black Friday at Walmart, and then add about 2 feet of shallow warm water, and that my friends is your "hidden oasis."

Continuing along the "beaten tourist trail" (the endless Asian-filled tour groups kept us from veering too far from photo-worthy sights), we finally arrived at the last destination of our trip - Ephesus. As the supposed final-resting-place of the Virgin Mary, and home to one of the best-preserved ruins in the world, Ephesus did not disappoint. Providing the patented baths/theater/common-area combo seen at almost every other ruin, Ephesus added the extra bonuses of a library in addition to amazingly well-preserved Roman homes. Much obliged ancient builders!

With the checklist complete and only 24 hours left until our departure for home, we commenced our 14-hour journey back to Istanbul, attempting to involve every form of transportation possible (car, long-distance train, ferry, intercity train, metro, tram, hotel shuttle). As a few hours of daylight still remained, we opted out of visiting Taksim Square (water cannons & tear gas unfortunately did not make the checklist cut), and instead relished in the semi-awkward, muscle soothing experience of a Turkish Hamam (i.e bath/massage - more on this later). As only 12 hours remained until our departure back to the US of A, we ended our journey where any respectable trip should complete itself - the Istanbul Airport Courtyard Marriott.

And that folks, is that. Well, almost. I think I got a post or two left in me to "summarize" our adventures. The Hamam was quite hilarious.

For now though, onto the pics:

	Our deserted resort at Saklikent Gorge. Apparently when Lonely Planet does not list you as a place, you don't really exist
	Treehouses - Amazing at age 8, still amazing at age 31 (unless you enjoy sleep, then not the best)
	Hopefully Julie doesn't mind trees growing in the middle of the bedroom because I am totally sold on the idea
	Overwater "enjoyment areas" - The sultans would have been so proud of this new-age invention
	Taking a peaceful stroll through the gorge (made slightly more difficult by attempting to capture the moment one-handed)
	I'd like to see Aron Ralston maneuver his way out of this situation
	Coming to a future bookshelf-topping frame anyday now (this sentence makes sense to me at least)
	"Hey kid, next time we ask you to take a photo of us having a fish foot massage, maybe you could include the fish tanks in the shot?"
	Treating the fish to some delicious post-hike feet
	Yup, a theater. We've seen a few of these thus far. This one at least has a pretty badass stage.
	Ruins Pool - Just like a regular pool, yet with way more historical value
	Hot springs of Pamukkale (tourist-free section)
	Hot springs of Pamukkale (tourist/Walmart section) - Don't be fooled by the emptiness, there is a line of 150 people awaiting the exact same shot behind me
	Detour to Aphrodisias - Home to "god of hot blondeness"
	Mmmmmmmm, god legs...
	If teaching doesn't work out, well, hopefully teaching works out
	Aphrodisias Stadium - The Big House of the Ancient World
	Tunnel Shot
	After about 12 takes, I soon realized I had no idea how to do the Heisman pose
	The Main Street of Ephesus (ok, maybe I exaggerated just slightly about the overpopulation of tourists)
	Library of Celsus (aka most photographed place in Turkey)
	Ancient Roman homes in amazing condition. I have no sarcastic banter for these. They were unreal.
	Doing a little end-of-trip shopping. First potential item = "Suffocation Bear - Comes complete with plastic bag in which bear was horrifyingly murdered"
	Genuinely fake indeed
	Did I mention that gas is $9.50/gallon? Only the highest in the world. Great choice of destination for a road trip us!

Turquoise Coast: One Mighty Scenic Shade of Blue

Leaving behind the cave-filled phallic-shaped wonderland that is Cappadocia, we departed via overnight bus (thankfully a regurgitation-free trip, unlike almost every South American voyage) for the coast of Turkey. Arriving early in the AM into the city of Antalya, we were met by our future mode of transportation - a dent-filled, scratch-heavy 2010 Hyundai Accent. With the advice of our rental agent to "no call unless big accident," it was inevitable that driving was going to be quite the "experience."

Now, while I consider myself fairly well-versed in the art of "foreign" driving (a year spent navigating the landscape of Southern Africa was quite helpful), nothing could truly prepare me for what can only be described as the "art of Turkish driving." This art, unable to be taught by words alone, can only be learned through experience (and by experience, I mean constant accident-avoidance). However, if I may take a stab at summarizing this "art", I would narrow it down to 3 key lessons:

1. Those small lines in the road (aka "lanes") are for decoration purposes only. The majority of time, driving should be spent either on top of this line or swerving around it. In addition, in the event of an approaching turn, it is always best to veer exactly one car-width in the opposite direction of the turn (regardless if this places you into an already-occupied adjacent "lane"). It is the responsibility of other drivers in your vicinity to veer as well, either onto the shoulder or oncoming traffic, as to avoid your carefully-planned maneuver. This lesson is typically learned extremely early in the driving experience.

2. Traffic circles are free of any rules and regulations. Go, stop, yield. It really is of no concern to those accompanying you on the road. It is inevitable that you will be cut off, so best keep driving in circles until a clear path reveals itself. The right-lane is also strongly recommended for those attempting to turn left. The further right the better!

3. Maintaining a constant speed for greater that 30 seconds is strongly discouraged. It is highly recommended to vary your speed by multiple fractions, as to ensure the vehicles behind you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are doing. Example on 55 MPH road = 55 --> 75 --> 30 --> 50 (of course ensuring that no lane is adhered to during these shifts in speed).

With these key lessons in hand, we commenced our 200 mile trip along the Turquoise Coast of Turkey (aptly named either due to the color of the water, or because apparently 'Turquoise' means 'Turkish' in Old French -- whatever the hell Old French is). With each destination along our route providing an ample mix of relaxation activities (sleeping, reading, talking about whether to sleep or read) as well as non-relaxation activities (walking, walking, walking some more), I leave you now with the abbreviated highlights of our past week:

Termessos - The first of many ancient ruins visited over the course of the week (ancient = I am unable to recall from which culture they originated). Termessos in particular was by far the most scenic, as it resided 5,500 feet above the valley floor below, hanging along the edge of dramatic cliffs. Good for photos now, bad for the "go find good rocks" workers 3,000 years ago.

Olympos - A mecca for those seeking out solitude or even with hopes of mastering the art of laziness, Olympos provided us with 2 days of exactly that. With one expedition to visit the overgrown ruins & backpacker-filled beach, the rest of our time was spent recovering from such an arduous journey.

Chimaera - It is places like Chimaera where the logical/scientific explanation of events is much less interesting than imaging how ancient culture's once perceived, what is now a 2,500 year old fire, burning from the depth of a mountain. Methane is the current explanation. Some badass fire god had to be the previous one.

The Sunken City of Simena - With images of Atlantis coming to mind, the sunken city of Simena reminded me more of the time I dropped my cell phone in a cup of water. It was still clearly visible, although I was a relatively upset that it was probably lost forever. Thankfully the "rice technique" brought it back to life (although i don't believe this option is very "village compatible"). Nevertheless, that would be Simena - The flip phone of sunken cities.

Kas - I imagine if the Golden Girls were to travel to Turkey, this would be their spot. Enough nightlife/activity for Blanche, enough relaxation for Dorothy, plenty of whatever the hell Rose liked, and of course enough antics for Sophia to complain about. And yes, I did just use a Golden Girls reference.

Ölüdeniz - Listed as one of the top 10 beaches in the world, Ölüdeniz did not necessarily live up to it's reputation (lack of sand tends to be kinda important beach rating guy), although it did provide the most memorable moment of our coastal voyage. While we initially assumed our unknowing stay at a "single's resort" for 60 year old British travelers who partied until 5AM would be the highlight of this blog, that award actually soon transferred over to our experience in attempting to turn on the A/C in our "air-conditioned private double." Below is in excerpt between myself, the local owner of the hotel and a expat British lady working at the hotel on a semi-permanent basis:

Me: "Hi, I can't seem to get our air conditioner to work."

British Lady: "Oh yes, you have to pay extra for that."

Me: "Hmmm, but our reservation says right here 'Air-Conditioned Room'"

Local Lady: "Yes, room IS air-conditioned. But you pay to turn it on."

Me: "Ummm, what?"

British Lady: "I can see how an American would think this would be included for free, but unfortunately it is an added cost here."

Me: "Ummm, what?"

Local Lady: "You must pay to turn on."

British Lady: "Yes, while it does say 'air-conditioned,' and that in America, you would expect to receive this because that is what you have been told, that is not the case here."

Me: "I'm pretty sure that is not the case anywhere."

British Lady: "I'm really sorry. I completely understand where you are coming from as an American. However it is still extra to turn on."

Me: "So with that reasoning, you could rent us a bedroom, but we would still have to pay extra for the bed?" (good one me, I know)

British Lady: "No, it is not at all like that."

Me: "Um, ok, it kinda is. Thanks anyhow."

Only later that evening, did tensions rise, yet not involving ourselves, but the local owner and the British expat. Here are a few additional excerpts from their "heated" 30 minute discussion (provided at a volume audible enough for 1/2 the hotels around us to share in the enjoyment):

"You are the dumbest f*cking idiot in the world. No, I am not an idiot. You are an idiot. A dumb f*cking idiot" (Strong words, yet precise and to the point).

"You don't have a brain. You don't even have brain cells. I have brain cells. You don't." (Valid argument if you really put it into perspective).

"How can you run a business like this. They are going to go back to America and write a terrible review about your place. That is what Americans do. They write bad reviews." (Correct, anti-American lady)

Despite the arguments, and about 17 threats of quitting (which were strongly encouraged and accepted by the local owner), in the end, it turned into what is probably just another Thursday evening for these two lovely ladies.

And on that note, onto the pics:

	Our loyal 2010 Hyundai Accent, avoiding accidents for every mile of the 200 spent driving along the Turkish coast
	Termessos - Understanding the early notion that boring theater + 5,500 foot backdrop = semi-less-boring theater
	"O" has nothing on this once-historic show
	Olympos - It took quite a bit of effort to get up and take this photo. Much relaxation was enjoyed after this strenuous activity
	The Sultan's "enjoyment areas" are a hit in this part of the country. So are amazingly good dinners too
	Enjoying a nice little 2,500 year old campfire at Chimaera. Thanks Methane, you are the best!
	Visiting the home of Santa Claus, or as the local Turks liked to call him, "Creepy Old White Man Who Played With Children Too Much"
	Rock Tombs of Myra - Why spend the $15 entrance fee when you can just take a photo from the parking lot?
	If local textiles and trinkets aren't doing the trick, a vendor can always rely on the trusty "giant penis statue" to bring in some much-needed $$
	Fishing boat tour of the sunken city of Simena (aka old unrecognizable city with some underwater rubble here and there)
	Our trusty non-English-speaking "tour guide," leading us through the waters with points, smiles, and camera hand signals (typically of what I had no idea, although I would take photos to his pleasure nonetheless)
	View from atop the castle. What castle you ask? Who cares, just enjoy the photo
	The Sunken City of Simena - See Detroit, things could be WAY worse
	Enjoying a little dip in our "secret" swimming cove shared by every tourist in the region
	Kas - A "pleasant" city if you will
	"The Beach" aka terraced strips of land with chairs
	Rock tomb overlooking the city. Obviously the Greeks didn't understand the concept of "real estate value" by giving their dead prime city views
	Taking our first break from Turkish food to enjoy some home-style hipster cooking
	For those of you following CNN's coverage of the Turkish riots, here is an example "demonstration" (aka very calm & polite clapping & chanting until everyone tires out). Crazy, I know!
	Kaptuas Beach - It's the Kaputiest
	Forever Hotel - The home of 60 year old British singles looking to party their asses off. And of course "air-conditioned" rooms that create lively debates
	Oludeniz Beach - Ranked 6th best beach in the world (and I'm sure no bribe played a role in this rating at all....)
	I'm guessing this is why it is called the "Turquoise Coast." Sorry "Old French" (you'll have to read the blog to understand this comment "photo-only-viewers")
	This would be a great "spot the difference" photo. And by great, I mean ridiculously easy.